nine months

I laid on the beach on the towel I bought in Portugal, watching him with you. You’re 9 months now… I feel so at ease when I see you both together; there’s something priceless about the chemistry between a father and son. It’s this instinctual trust colliding with a purity, innocence and authenticity. He loves you so much. The connection shows through his squinty eyes when he smiles with you…The way his arm wraps around your little thighs, and you sit neatly on his forearm…you’re his little cub.

The evening is new to you. I watch you studying the waves. The sound hits different after 4. They’re much louder and rougher than those calm 8am morning waves. That pristine sky blue hue turns to a deep turquoise, and you can’t see the bottom now… The water looks dark, deep…fearless, but so are you. You don’t seem afraid. I hear your little squeal of excitement, reaching for the water while it’s stretching to swallow you up…and it smashes your tiny body, soaking your face, the salt splashing your tastebuds, and you’re loving every minute of it.

Watching you both communicate with gibberish sounds and gestures, there is a sense of understanding. He will always protect you. These are the moments I now live for. Moments I never knew existed until you. I took my years for granted, because I never realized what life is worth until you have a family of your own. The only family that now matters is the one you build. The independence I once loved and craved will never amount to the love you’ve given me. And you don’t even know it yet. You are way too young to comprehend what happiness you are.

My mind wanders while I lay here. Certain guilt eats away at me at times and it has me second guessing if I deserve you…if I deserve the both of you. I have moments from a life before you and you will never know how far I’ve come…but we’re here now. And I thank God, because he turned things around on me…To forgive myself of the wrongs and all I am ashamed of, he gave me you. To teach you to be honest and to show you to be greater than I could have ever been.